I run to heal.

In my thirties, I fantasized about celebrating my 40th birthday by completing an Ironman event.  But like most families, moms tend to get distracted in the daily grind of taking care of others.   I set aside my own personal goals as I tried to do what my church told me to do, which was put them first.  However, when I lost my family, my world crashed and burned double time.  Over the course of the years, I abandoned myself and then when I needed me, I didn't have me to rely on.

In 2013, finally had two incomes and were enjoying the fruits of our years of labor.  We were all going separate directions and going through different life experiences and we all began to give and receive less love in the home - including to ourselves.  "Affix your own air mask before assisting others."  OOOPS.

The more I gave and the less I received, the more unappreciated, confused, and unworthy - I felt.  Our home did not have the skillset to resolve the mis-balance.  The more unloved I felt, the more I began trying to find ways to earn it.  I began to hustle for it - which also did not work.  Finally, the system collapsed. 

After facing loss after loss after loss after loss, I felt abandoned and rejected and hurt.  I was overcome with guilt and shame and despair.  My self-worth and confidence were shredded - I was barely surviving for a while trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.  I stopped eating and sleeping and my weight dropped to 112 lbs in March 2015.  The state of my head was not good.  I am the kind of person that NEEDS to be happy and I need to be around people. I have a passion for life and the pain I was feeling halted my soul from progressing.  I needed a goal to turn myself around. I needed to direct my attention and thoughts away from that which I could not control.

It took months to realize that I deserved to be happy and that being resilient meant I could process my errors, own them, change my ways, then forgive myself and the universe.  I would use this to my advantage and improve myself.  I would get better, not bitter.  No one wants to be around a "victim" or "debbie downer," so the time came that I had to choose happiness and I had to be ok with NOT being perfect.  Everyone deserves compassion for their journey, even ME.  I needed to love myself again and become whole.  NO ONE ELSE could 'save' myself - that had to be an inside job.  I knew setting a big bold goal that required a strict routine of exercise, sleep, and nutrition would be the key to my healing.

I learned that crisis situations open opportunity to change the soul and that we are not defined by what happens to us.  We decide how to respond and that is winning the mind game of life and overcoming being stuck.  As I train for Ironman, I spend a lot of time alone in my head thinking.

• When I swim, I mainly focus on form and pulling through the water efficiently.  
• When I bike, I mainly focus on my heart rate numbers staring at me from my Garmin. 
• When I run, this is when I truly feel the effects of my soul healing; transforming the parts of me that need refining.  "The purpose of transformation is to feel good about your life, no matter what..." This is important for me to remember.  I heal through learning, through accepting myself, and through loving others unconditionally.  Healing for me, means I am learning to silence the mind about the things I can not control. 

When I run, I process life's purpose.  Without religion, I turned to TED talks for knowledge and inspiration.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the TED Radio Hour podcast where the host Guy Raz pulls together multiple talks on similar subjects and presents an hour episode of the key points from them. This past week I listened to all of these TED Radio Hour podcasts, giving me much insight to life.  I cannot believe I lived without them until now, so many great nuggets in each of them.

• To Endure
• Just A Little Nicer
• Courage
• Headspace
• Crisis and Response
• The Unknown Brain
• How Things Spread
• What We Fear
• Keeping Secrets
• Rethinking Death
• Fighting Cancer
• The Act of Listening
• What Is Original?
• What Is Beauty?

I admire how people overcome hard situations and are able to live a full life again after tragedy uprooted their lives. It is through the stories of others - like those that lost their entire life savings in the Bernie Madoff scheme, public figures like Monica Lewinsky who was humiliated and shamed in the limelight, and also close family and friends who shared their personal experiences with me - that I was able to keep going through the pain that did not feel survivable.  It has been a complete journey of transformation for me.  I am inspired by the resilience of so many survivors.  Humans amaze me, in what they can endure. I actually am proud of humans and what they can deal with.  GO PEOPLE!  It is easy to downplay my story, that it doesn't compare to bigger stories of resilience. I learned my story is equally important and my story of survival is mine alone.  It is not for me to worry about judgment from others or to compare myself or my life to anyone else.

Winning the Mind Game

I am wrapping up another 3-week meditation challenge; a free podcast by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey.  I love how ten minutes a day is helping me to re-shape how I view life and love.  I am trying to shift my perspective.  I journal to help me retain the things that I need to keep reminding myself of because transformation takes TIME and work.  HARD HARD work with lots of missteps along the way.  It's physically painful to learn how to live and think a new way - but I am grateful.

• Be carefree and optimistic. I can make the world better by sending out positive vibes.  See the world in love.
• Be a constant agent for change, let go of old habits and be aware. Awareness is the key to change.
• I define myself by choosing who I want to be.  I am worthy and lovable - no matter what.
• Every moment is an opportunity, the universe will rise to support me.
• When people give up on me, it is a reflection of them, not me. 
• Be filled with enthusiasm, life is great.  Live it with purpose. 
• Challenges do not define me. Situations have no meaning, they are just a blank canvas.  My reaction is key.  React in a way that exudes lightness and love. 
• When things feel uncomfortable, I can tell myself, "This is where I find myself right now - no judgment. I am not wasting time, I am just present."   
• Practice compassion for other's experiences, by not clinging to my own personal point of view.
• Healing is a process and the pain will surface from time to time, THAT IS OK and NORMAL.

I actually am SO HAPPY I got to go through this - *GROW* through this.  I am super proud of myself for staying alive, REALLY.  I thought I was a strong person until I went through this, but while I was going through it I felt so incredibly weak.  So many people told me along the way that I was strong, but I really stopped believing it for awhile.  I felt like a failure and I even thought I was failing at how I was supposed to go through the trial with grace.  I now realize, I went through it the best way I knew how and if I decide to call it a failure - well frankly, FAILURE is also a part of life and that is not a bad thing either.  We learn from failure.  I can honestly say I would NEVER undo the pain I have endured because my growth is worth the price. 

Everyday, at least once, I feel my stomach somersault with deep gut wrenching pain from the loss of my former life.  I have learned to let those feelings come to the surface; I give them space, I sit with them, I honor them.  It is not wrong to have feelings, they are very real and they matter and I do not have to be sorry for them.  Suppressing feelings is NOT healthy so I am not afraid of experiencing them or verbalizing them.   I have learned to endure pain and that is an amazing accomplishment.  I have less fear about the future because I now know how to survive pain. 

I am learning to accept that life is really about reacting to situations - THATS IT - and doing it in a way that is kind and loving - is the key.  Life is not about perfection or finding the easy route and it is NOT about giving up.  I need people to believe in me and YOU HAVE - so thank you for lifting me up with your words and support.   I have come to realize that pain in life usually stems from the choice a human makes, either ourselves or someone else.  This is part of life.  It is not appropriate to  sit around and wait for everything to be aligned to become happy - every single day I can choose to be happy - NO MATTER WHAT IS HAPPENING AROUND ME.  If Elizabeth Smart, Monica Lewinsky, and wrongly convicted criminals can be happy after going through harrowing experiences, then I too can be happy and resilient.  Life is going to have daily missteps.  Life is going to feel unfair and messy - but I can choose happiness.  Of course, when mistakes are made, I own them, I dissect them, I think through what happened and I process it, make changes to redirect my path - but then move on and forgive myself.  Anyone who does not support my happiness, does not understand how to love.  I have compassion for them, it is not their fault - I can not control their growth or pace in life - they will learn when the universe is ready to teach them that lesson.  My job is to give the world love, it is the only way to beat hate.  I can not ever get love by hating others or by trying to 'anger' it out of someone. 

Anyone that is reading this - even if you have only known me a short time - you matter to me and you are loved. Everyone I meet is teaching me about life and I thank you! 

I feel SUPER DUPER lucky for the insight I have gained about life.  My husband and daughter gave me the greatest gift on earth - because over the last 26 months, my heart learned how to truly love myself.  I had to, to survive.  It's something I hope to never forget again.  I learned how to love others unconditionally, even when they make choices that hurt me. Through this journey, I discovered how emotionally resilient I am - because in order to go on each day, I had to find ways to be happy.   I had to remind myself of the things that I had to be thankful for.  Today, it is for the ability to RUN and HEAL.